Guest Submission: Someone Stop CMDR JP HACK

Hi guys, Janeil here. I’m still struggling to keep up with the Heather installments. However in lieu of that while I catch up, do enjoy this guest story by JP Hack, who’s graciously allowed me to post his shennanigans in the Elite: Dangerous universe. Enjoy!

Ah, the Evarate system. So nice. So peaceful. A great day for a little mayhem! My plan was simple. Interdict players and fight them. But not newbs. Nope, I have a moral code. I went for the big dawgs like Pythons, FDL’s, Cobras, vipers, etc. What’s more insane than a pilot with the balls and skills to try to take on a bigger ship? A pilot with a Slightly bigger ship trying to take on bigger ships! Good bye Eagle!

Sit down boys and girls, commanders of all ages, as I retell you what happened last night. Lets just say that some people take role playing too seriously.

Okay, I did my homework. So I strolled through the ship yard and bought a slightly used, fully loaded, with extended warranty, Viper MK3. I had the sweet matte black paint job with skull markings. “Surely, they will take me seriously now!” Not even close.

[Interdict 1]: CMDR Colonel Jelly. He was ranked Dangerous in a FDL. “Aha, a worthy opponent for my first run of my upgraded ship, the Viper MK3” I thought to myself. He pulled over and asked,

“Why the hell did you pull me out of super?” I did my classic no response to him.


“Ah, is this a Mexican standoff?” he asked.

“It sure is. Fight me nerd.” I think I said too much, cause after that it was a blur. He didn’t even think twice to kill me. PA shot? What PA shot? I was instantly sent to the Rebuy Screen. Damn you Colonel Jelly! You scratched my paint!


This PA shot!


[Interdict 2]: Ah yes, another CMDR in a FDL. “Hopefully he’s not as dangerous as the other guy…maybe rank has something to do with it? Nah.” CMDR Titus Gray. This guy probably made my day. He looked genuinely scared or really laid back, kinda like a surfer dude from California. As soon as after I interdicted him he asked in his cool voice, “Wassup bro?” Me being ballsy a bit, itching for a fight responded, “Aye bro, Fight me, thou want to go, huh? Thou want to fight with haste!?”


Surfer dude is so cool, his surfer hairstyle defies helmet physics.

“Sure bro.” And so we dueled. He had that sweet prismatic shields protecting him as I unloaded everything I had. CMDR Titus didn’t really maneuver around that much but just tanked all my damage. His shields went down and the unexpected happened. “A crap, I should of got fixed for this.” and high waked out leaving him at 98 percent hull remaining. He literally was just taking everything and just left nonchalantly like it was nothing! “Come back here! I will bite your legs off!” But he never came back.


[Interdict 3]: CMDR Sunospes He was in a Viper MK3 like me, but his lacked the superior +3 DEX paint job mine had. “Why did you pull me over?”


“Officer, why did you-wait, you’re not the police!”

“I want to fight!” I said with determination. The burn to fight was strong.

“It is not worth my time, seriously, No point in me getting a bounty over this.” He said with conviction. With a quick stow of his weapons he boosted out. I of course, in my infinite wisdom wanted a 400 Cr fine and fired on him, just a bit as he left. I guess some people dont have time for a duel. Weird.


[Interdict 4-5] CMDR Metric_ (Viper MK4) and CMDR Reaper (Viper MK3) were literally the most fun I had. It was a 2 v 1. And it was the most difficult fight, but I came out victorious! Ask them yourselves, they interdicted me with no words, trying to get my sweet bounty on me (It was 48k by now) They had a tactic. One was bait, the other was the aggressor. CMDR Metric_ would allow me to attack him while Reaper would try to kill me from afar.

I've literally been waiting 7 years to use "getchoo". Seriously.

I’ve literally been waiting 7 years to use “getchoo”. Seriously.

I was having none of that. I am god damn JP HACK. I spun and killed reaper after he foolishly tried to ram me head on, leaving him to explode more than once as Metric always came in and out of the instance trying to bait me. We fought for about 10 minutes of dog fighting, interdicting and just tom foolery. I had my tricks up my sleeve using Silent Running and Chaff when appropriate. The thrill of 2 bounty hunters teaming up to kill you really makes your adrenaline rush.

But they gave up after I killed one of them too many times. I was left crippled with recharging my shields while my hull was at 40%. It was very close. I limped to the nearest station. But what is this? CMDR Metric_ was right behind me closing in on the station as I was inside. He fired on me as I was just touching down. Big mistake on his end. He blew up. I just got a single message from both of them.

“=(” And that was the last I heard from them. I salute you guys. I hope to fight you again. It was a true battle of skill with near equal ships.


That’s right. “=(” indeed.


[Interdict 6] Some ass hole in a python called CMDR Ray The Bastard Was calling himself a warlord or something. Ah, no. Hell no, I thought. You do NOT take my thunder. He didn’t even finish his monologuing when I jumped him and opened fire. I lasted about 20 seconds against him before I ran with 9 percent hull left. “Damn, I was so close!”


I’m either between Solid Snake or Master Chief on this one.


[Interdict 7] I had received news that CMDR Ray the Bastard was killed by a group of “peacekeepers of Evarate” in a Wing of 3. I told them of Ray and he was quickly disposed of. But I was going stir crazy. I needed to go out with a bang. So I interdicted the wing of three. (FAS, FDL and a Python)

“Do you have a death wish?!” The pilot in the Python asked.


“We are sort of the Code…do you have a death wish?”

“KAMIKAZE!” I screamed as I boosted right into him, exploding to pieces.

That was the end of the infamous JP HACK for the night. I am retiring from this PVP stuff and going back to my simple life of Bounty Hunting in RES sites. I have an FDL waiting for me.

What have we learned? People are awesome. All CMDRS did a great job and I had a lot of fun. It was a good break from the grind. Now if you will excuse me, I am gonna get my juice, my blanky and I am gonna go nap nap.


Nap nap.

Fly Safe Commanders.

PS: Dear CMDR Karthage in an Eagle. I told you about a million times that an EAGLE is NOT a good MINING SHIP. For the last time. STOP TRYING. /End Rant.

Original story

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